Nov 5, 2007

miracles come in small packages

(the date above is not the actual date this was written)

I had known that I wanted kids ever since I was a little girl. I always had a feeling it wouldn't be easy for me. Maybe it was God's way of preparing me for our journey. The summer we went off birth control was exciting! There was always that wondering if we were pregnant. After four months of trying and no baby I went to my family doctor. He said that it may take a while and it's only been four months and we should keep trying. Only four months! It didn't seem to take no time for all the women around me getting pregnant. Month after month we went through LOTS of pregnancy tests all coming back negative. I was becoming more and more heartbroken. Every time I would take a test and it came back negative I would verbally beat myself up for taking it! I didn't want to share with people what was going on....not even close friends.

I asked my husband not to say anything to anyone. I didn't want to be "that" girl that couldn't have a baby and everyone feel sorry for me. So when someone would ask when we were going to start trying to get pregnant, I would always respond with, "we're still deciding if we want to move or not" Not really giving a yes or no but incinuating that we would make that choice later. But inside I ached and longed for my own child. Every thing felt like a pregnancy symptom but I would always get a negative result. I slipped further and further into a deep sadness. I understood hannah when she cried out for a baby in 1 samuel. I read her prayer over and over. My bible is crinkled on that page due to tears.

While at a friends house for dinner she asked me the question that every newly wed gets asked. "When do you plan on trying for kids" Inside I wanted to scream! But before I gave our typical answer, words of truth fell from my lips. I told her that we had been for what had been seven months at the time. She asked me if I had heard about a fertility book that she had used. I hadn't but that night I went home and ordered it. It was a book that talked about taking your temperatures every morning and learning about your body better. It's called Taking Charge of Your Fertility.

That began my journey of starting to take my temperature every morning and charting it. I learned so much about how my body worked. Two months after charting I found out pregnant. Even though it was a few days before I was to get my "monthly friend" I still tested and it was positive. I was more than elated! I took several more just to be sure! I took one every day for the next two days. I noticed that the positive line was getting lighter. I thought that was weird so I kept taking my temperature. One morning I took my temperature and it had plummited. I knew that I had lost the baby. I woke up my husband and we wept together. I started bleeding an hour that. That's how accurate taking your temperature is! I knew I had lost the baby before I had ever shown physical signs. And it was only 5 days after getting a positive. I went to the dr. and she said that it was "just" a chemical pregnancy. Which means that an egg was fertilized but never attached to the uterine wall.

I lost it and when I was alone I cried till I physically couldn't cry anymore. The Dr. basically told me that chemical pregnancies don't count and if we weren't pregnant at the year mark that we are considered infertile and should see a specialists. That "chemical pregnancy" was my child! I had to pass it on my own. Even more traumitizing! The cramps were more painful than anything I had experienced.

The months after the miscarriage were very dark for me. Mother's day came and went with "my friend" deciding to start on that day of all days! I couldn't go to church on that day. I couldn't see mothers with their babies. I didn't go to baby showers nor buy a gift. It was too painful.

My husband then received a phone call from a friend. He used the words "congratulations" and "man that was fast". After he hung up the phone he sat me down and shared with me that some friends of ours were pregnant after only trying a month. My stomach sank. I wanted to be happy for them but it was a reminder of what we didn't have. I tried putting on a smile when I saw them but it was hard!! Why had God chose for my baby not to make it and theirs could.

Months came and went. The one year mark came and went with still no baby. I went to my ob/gyn and had my annual exam. She told me that we were considered infertile and that we should go see a specialist. So I made the appointment. That month I quit taking my temperatures and took a break from it all.

I was getting nervous because I knew the following week was going to be my appt. I was nervous because I thought that she was going to tell us we would never be able to have children. Some friends of ours came into town for a wedding. It was good to see them and take my mind off of the appointment. I was having lunch with them and I started to feel dizzy. But I brushed it off and didn't think anything else about it. That was on a sunday. They left shortly after our lunch together. That evening my husband made a comment in passing that I wasn't showing my usual PMS symptoms. I thought that was funny but again didn't think anything about it.

The next morning on monday I was in a deep sleep but suddenly woken up. Not by a noise or my husband. I can't explain it other than God. It was four in the morning and the day that I was suppose to start my monthly cycle. I felt the need to take a pregnancy test. That "need" was not of me because I DID NOT want another negative and since we hadn't been charting or anything I knew it would be. But I took one anyway. After taking it I sat it to the side and brushed my teeth. As I was doing that I looked over I saw the words "pregnant" on the test. (I was using a digital one) I rubbed my eyes and it was still there. I started shaking and just thanking God over and over again. I ran and woke up my husband and we held eachother in the bathroom and cried and prayed.

We told a few friends and they fasted and prayed for us. They prayed that God would grow the baby till delivery day. And God did just that. We now have a beautiful baby boy! Two days before my scheduled appointment we found out we were pregnant. I had no greater joy than to call the dr.'s office and cancel the appointment. They were so excited for me! I am so thankful for my son and ever grateful to my eternal Father that entrusted us with him.

I know that there are women out there that have struggled with infertility for years. My heart breaks for any woman that has is currently struggling with this or has struggled with it in the past. If you currently are my heart goes out to you and I wish I could hug your neck and weep with you. God's plans don't always make sense to us but that doesn't change who we are in Him.


To read my birth story click here.

If you have struggled with infertility or have had a loss and are currently pregnant. I will come into the hospital and take pictures after your baby is born for free. Check out deatails here.

If you are going through infertility I would love to hear your story and pray for you. Please email me! pixelperfectblog@gmail.com

And if you are now pregnant I'd also love to pray for your pregnancy and baby!

12 comments:

  1. This is an amazing story that I can relate to all too well. My husband and I lost our baby to a miscarriage in the end of February and haven't been able to get pregnant since. I went through periods of convincing myself I didn't want any more children, that it would be too much hassle (as my husband [who was a widower] had four children when I married him, so we currently have four kids in our house). Deep down, however, I've always known that I want a baby of my own - I really want someone to call me mommy! Unfortunately, we have yet to see another positive test result thus far, but I'm standing in faith that it will come.

    Thanks for sharing your story - it's so wonderful and exactly the inspiration I needed this morning to remind me that God is in control, that He is taking care of me and that He hears my cries and my prayers for my own sweet baby.

    I appreciate this post :)

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  2. Wow! That is absolutely amazing!!! I have two children here with me but have 4 more in heaven. The last miscarriage was especially hard and I am remembering the two year mark next week.
    God blessed us last November with our son. I had a similar experience. After the last miscarriage and d/c I tried convincing myself I didn't want another child and our daughter was enough. I had an outpatient surgery scheduled Apr 3 to explore my uterus to look for reasons for miscarriages. Apr 1, 2008 I confirmed I was pregnant after having a "feeling" for about a week. I was able to call and cancel the appt and reschedule an OB appt!
    Our God is such an awsome God and I love my two children to death!!

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  3. Thank you for sharing your story. It made me cry tears of joy for you! You are an inspiration to me. Thank you :)
    -Becky

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  4. Your writing is very inspirational. I too could not conceive for almost a year and I kept hearing God say "be patient" over and over again. After seeking a fertility specialist we conceived on the first round with twins! The pregnancy was hard and i worried about losing them all the time..but again God would whisper "I gave them to you...why would i take them away?" They came into the world, small but healthy bubbling boys. Last night my husband and I awoke to a weird gurgling noise through the monitor. We found one of the baby's was unresponsive but breathing. The ambulance ride, waiting outside the CAT scan room..those were the worse moments of my life. But somewhere in the chaos I heard "I gave them to you, why would I take them away?" And I knew it would be okay. It turns out he suffered from seizure from a fever that just took a long time for him to come out of and he awoke this morning happy and completely oblivious to the hell he put us through. Even through trials and tribulations...I know "that all things work together for good"...and God is good.

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  5. My goodness how I can relate to your story. My husband and I struggled through infertility for 3 years. We couldn't afford the specialist. But we had amazing prayer warriors behind us. We did have my husband tested; he was fine. I had hormone treatments at $50 per month prescribed by my OB/GYN. We had been married for 7 years when we started trying to conceive. So ALL our friends had children and were having more children. I went through a pregnancy with a dear friend, supporting her, sharing her triumphs, etc. Then, when her daughter was 3 months old, this friend called to tell me she was pregnant AGAIN. I dropped the phone, ran to the bathroom, locked myself in, and sobbed until I heaved. The beauty of this story is that my strong reaction to her news was because I too had raging pregnant hormones, but just didn't know it yet! Two and a half weeks later hubby and I found out we were pregnant with our precious son! Praise God! So, my friend and I were pregnancy buddies together the second time. And my smart, spirited, red-headed boy is now 5 years old. Hubby and I feel our lives are complete and have not tried for any other children. God is so good! Btw, I just found your blog today, and I read back a few months, plus about the miracle of your son. I love your site.

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  6. I just stumbled across your blog and read your story, wow that is so amazing that you got your baby boy! My husband and I also have struggled with infertility and after a few years found out we were not able to have our own biological children. After that we decided to adopt and our beautiful baby girl is now 2! I know the pain and ache of wanting a baby and not being able to control the situation, but our Heavenly Father certainly knows us and wants us to be happy, sometimes our time is just different than His! thanks for sharing your story, its nice to know i wasn't crazy for feeling the way i did!!!

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  7. This is beautiful and a great testimony to God´s faithfulness in our lives. He brings comfort and peace when we most need it. And Joy does come in the morning!

    I have a missionary friend who works with us, who has lost 2 babies and is currently pregnant with her 4th. They were able to have their first miracle baby before they lost the next two. WE lived through her second miscarraige with them. Oh how my heart broke. Then when she started spotting with this one, I went to my knees. I knew another loss would send them home off the mission field. Lesser things send missionaries home. She went in to the GBYN to find that they could do really nothing but that the baby still had a heart beat. She went home feeling better and on total bed rest. Today she is 6 1/2 months pregnant and we are still pleading God for this baby.

    So needless to say your story brought tears and joy. Thank you for sharing. Your baby boy is beautiful and a true gift. Cherish the Moments. =)

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  8. Oh my gosh.

    I just read this, all teary...what a BLESSING!!!

    What a great post...Congrats on that beautiful babe of yours!!!

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  9. tears of joy! what a blessing that story was!!
    we just suffered a miscarriage a few weeks ago. i was in so much shock. we had what they called a 'silent miscarriage' my baby died at 6 weeks and i didn't find out until my 10 week check up. each week would go by and we had more and more hopes and dreams for this baby. and then to have it all taken away like that. i would beat myself up wondering what i was doing on that day it happened and how could i not as a mother know when my baby's heart stopped beating. God had other plans for our baby and I'm glad to know he/she's in HIS arms now. it doesn't make it hurt less just ....
    we will try again as soon as able. i know our little one is out there just waiting for His time and not mine! God is good!

    thanks again for sharing

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  10. Hi there, I'm new to your blog and I was very happy to stumble upon it through MckMama's blog frog community! I originally clicked on your blog b/c of your photography tutorial and saw your story about your son.
    I'm so sorry you had to suffer a loss... no matter what the doctor said about it being a "chemical" pregnancy, it doesn't ease sadness. I lost 2 babies, one at 11 weeks and one at 12 weeks, and each was devastating and made worse when my doctor said, "Well, the baby probably had something wrong with it." I thought it was horribly insensitive and in the end after some testing it was my hormone levels that needed supplementing. We have been so blessed with 1 daughter, now 2.5 and 1 son, almost 10 months. They are the light of my life and the reason I get up with a smile in the morning! (literally most days!LOL)
    I'm so happy for you guys that you are blessed with your second miracle and I'll be reading to see if it's a boy or girl!!!

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  11. Hi Monica! I have been following your blog for a while but I just read your pregnancy story today for the first time!

    I can relate to you. I had a miscarriage in January and a "chemical pregnancy" in May. I hate that term...from the minute I got that positive test in May, it was a baby to me. I don't care if the egg didn't attach the uterine wall. After months of weird symptoms and not getting pregnant again, I switched doctors. I am so thankful for my new doctor. He did a D&C two weeks ago because he thinks my body didn't fully recover from the miscarriage in January.
    So here I am...on the journey to pregnancy...again. This process is so much longer than I ever thought it would be. It's hard on my emotions too but I know that God is in control. I trust Him
    I would appreciate your prayers.
    Thanks for sharing your story!
    Erin
    www.erin-brady.com

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  12. I loved reading your infertility story - praise the Lord! It took 11 months for my husband and I to get pregnant with our son, so I know how hard it is to see those negatives month after month. I think it's wonderful that you are sharing your story so openly - it's encouraging to me, even though I have my sweet baby now, and I know it will be encouraging to others who are struggling too!
    I came across your blog, and I'm really enjoying reading it! :-)

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