(the date above is not the actual date this was written)
I had known that I wanted kids ever since I was a little girl. I always had a feeling it wouldn't be easy for me. Maybe it was God's way of preparing me for our journey. The summer we went off birth control was exciting! There was always that wondering if we were pregnant. After four months of trying and no baby I went to my family doctor. He said that it may take a while and it's only been four months and we should keep trying.
Only four months! It didn't seem to take no time for all the women around me getting pregnant. Month after month we went through LOTS of pregnancy tests all coming back negative. I was becoming more and more heartbroken. Every time I would take a test and it came back negative I would verbally beat myself up for taking it! I didn't want to share with people what was going on....not even close friends.
I asked my husband not to say anything to anyone. I didn't want to be "that" girl that couldn't have a baby and everyone feel sorry for me. So when someone would ask when we were going to start trying to get pregnant, I would always respond with, "we're still deciding if we want to move or not" Not really giving a yes or no but incinuating that we would make that choice later. But inside I ached and longed for my own child. Every thing felt like a pregnancy symptom but I would always get a negative result. I slipped further and further into a deep sadness. I understood hannah when she cried out for a baby in 1 samuel. I read her prayer over and over. My bible is crinkled on that page due to tears.
While at a friends house for dinner she asked me the question that every newly wed gets asked. "When do you plan on trying for kids" Inside I wanted to scream! But before I gave our typical answer, words of truth fell from my lips. I told her that we had been for what had been seven months at the time. She asked me if I had heard about a fertility book that she had used. I hadn't but that night I went home and ordered it. It was a book that talked about taking your temperatures every morning and learning about your body better. It's called
Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
That began my journey of starting to take my temperature every morning and charting it. I learned so much about how my body worked. Two months after charting I found out pregnant. Even though it was a few days before I was to get my "monthly friend" I still tested and it was positive. I was more than elated! I took several more just to be sure! I took one every day for the next two days. I noticed that the positive line was getting lighter. I thought that was weird so I kept taking my temperature. One morning I took my temperature and it had plummited. I knew that I had lost the baby. I woke up my husband and we wept together. I started bleeding an hour that. That's how accurate taking your temperature is! I knew I had lost the baby before I had ever shown physical signs. And it was only 5 days after getting a positive. I went to the dr. and she said that it was "just" a chemical pregnancy. Which means that an egg was fertilized but never attached to the uterine wall.
I lost it and when I was alone I cried till I physically couldn't cry anymore. The Dr. basically told me that chemical pregnancies don't count and if we weren't pregnant at the year mark that we are considered infertile and should see a specialists. That "chemical pregnancy" was my child! I had to pass it on my own. Even more traumitizing! The cramps were more painful than anything I had experienced.
The months after the miscarriage were very dark for me. Mother's day came and went with "my friend" deciding to start on that day of all days! I couldn't go to church on that day. I couldn't see mothers with their babies. I didn't go to baby showers nor buy a gift. It was too painful.
My husband then received a phone call from a friend. He used the words "congratulations" and "man that was fast". After he hung up the phone he sat me down and shared with me that some friends of ours were pregnant after only trying a month. My stomach sank. I wanted to be happy for them but it was a reminder of what we didn't have. I tried putting on a smile when I saw them but it was hard!! Why had God chose for my baby not to make it and theirs could.
Months came and went. The one year mark came and went with still no baby. I went to my ob/gyn and had my annual exam. She told me that we were considered infertile and that we should go see a specialist. So I made the appointment. That month I quit taking my temperatures and took a break from it all.
I was getting nervous because I knew the following week was going to be my appt. I was nervous because I thought that she was going to tell us we would never be able to have children. Some friends of ours came into town for a wedding. It was good to see them and take my mind off of the appointment. I was having lunch with them and I started to feel dizzy. But I brushed it off and didn't think anything else about it. That was on a sunday. They left shortly after our lunch together. That evening my husband made a comment in passing that I wasn't showing my usual PMS symptoms. I thought that was funny but again didn't think anything about it.
The next morning on monday I was in a deep sleep but suddenly woken up. Not by a noise or my husband. I can't explain it other than God. It was four in the morning and the day that I was suppose to start my monthly cycle. I felt the need to take a pregnancy test. That "need" was not of me because I DID NOT want another negative and since we hadn't been charting or anything I knew it would be. But I took one anyway. After taking it I sat it to the side and brushed my teeth. As I was doing that I looked over I saw the words "pregnant" on the test. (I was using a digital one) I rubbed my eyes and it was still there. I started shaking and just thanking God over and over again. I ran and woke up my husband and we held eachother in the bathroom and cried and prayed.
We told a few friends and they fasted and prayed for us. They prayed that God would grow the baby till delivery day. And God did just that. We now have a beautiful baby boy! Two days before my scheduled appointment we found out we were pregnant. I had no greater joy than to call the dr.'s office and cancel the appointment. They were so excited for me! I am so thankful for my son and ever grateful to my eternal Father that entrusted us with him.
I know that there are women out there that have struggled with infertility for years. My heart breaks for any woman that has is currently struggling with this or has struggled with it in the past. If you currently are my heart goes out to you and I wish I could hug your neck and weep with you. God's plans don't always make sense to us but that doesn't change who we are in Him.
To read my birth story click
here.
If you have struggled with infertility or have had a loss and are currently pregnant. I will come into the hospital and take pictures after your baby is born for free. Check out deatails
here.
If you are going through infertility I would love to hear your story and pray for you. Please email me!
pixelperfectblog@gmail.com
And if you are now pregnant I'd also love to pray for your pregnancy and baby!
